Self-Doubt

After a successful first round (of my classmates’ work, not mine) in my writing workshop through Gotham Writers Workshop, trepidation, fear, and apprehension forced my stomach into knots. I thought, “My writing officially sucks. I’m never going to be published. I’ll never complete anything. No one will ever get a chance to read my work. Do I really have what it takes to be a writer? Am I really a writer? Do I matter? Does my work matter? Maybe I should throw in the towel and realize I don’t have talent like they do…” and the thoughts went further.

I was so impressed with the writing styles and imagination my colleagues/classmates possessed, my writing became subpar to me.

As I put the finishing touches on my story to be workshopped, I wasn’t nervous, I was in the zone. I revised and edited as much as I could; at 2 am on Friday night, I sent out my piece.

The Tuesday before class, as I re-read and commented on my classmates’ stories, the anxiety and doubt set in once again. “Who am I really kidding here? I should just give up this hobby for good. It’s not real.” Self-loathing and swirling in my own pit of self-pity, I gave myself some credit. “Okay, let’s read the piece and see if it’s really as awful as I think it is.” I exhaled. Slowly, I scanned the typed words on the white computer sheets and read the story from page one to page fifteen. The story had holes and there were places that could be expanded but it wasn’t an awful story.

My faith in my writing was restored. The shift was so extreme I wonder if hormonal changes during that time of the month were churning here. I wrote out all my worries and misgivings about this “hobby” of mine and felt much better soon after.

The next day, my story was workshopped. Not only was I able to identify my writing weaknesses, but my strengths were highlighted and showcased to me in my classmates’ comments. I was redeemed once again. I wasn’t a failure in my writing community, I was actually a success!

My classmates’ comments filled me with joy, inspiration, and energy to improve the story I wrote and motivated me to make sure I took the same care with their work as they did with mine.

My writing world was no longer in disarray; everything was exactly where it was supposed to be.

Bird by Bird

Author: Anne Lamott

Publisher: Anchor Books (1994)

Seventeen years ago, Anne Lamott published a book about writing in which she weaved her life experiences (reminiscent of Stephen King’s On Writing but of course, Lamott came first) being published, the aftermath, the reactions to negative and positive reviews, as well as putting pen to paper.

Connection

How do you connect with other writers?

At work, I overheard two co-workers discussing writing and I was reading a book as they conversed. I didn’t want to sound like a know it all because I’ve taken workshops, worked in publishing, blog, completed a novel, written short stories, and am familiar with the life of a writer without the publication bragging rights.

I sat there, excited, because I wanted to share my insight and experience so badly but I held this all inside because I had no idea how I would come across to them. One girl writes sporadically and has taken one writing workshop while the other co-worker self-published a trilogy (I believe; I was eavesdropping after all) without having taken a writing workshop in his life!

I see these folks every day and this would be a great way to make a connection with my co-workers, especially since I don’t know anyone at my current temporary job now. I don’t have the slightest clue how to speak up because I am so knowledgeable about it all.

How do writers connect outside of the writing community (like at work)?

*Update (10/7/10): I have since connected with these folks and it was so easy to do! Once you step out of your comfort zone, everything else falls in place.

Late Night Writing

This morning, I finished a short story for my writing workshop. I was enchanted and completely involved in my story like I’ve never been before. I was lost in the story, I liked what I was writing, and although I know the tale has many places where it can benefit from some description, the first draft is complete. The only place to go from here is the revision state.

I was in the revision zone last year with a piece I had workshopped in so many places and the result was a polished story lacking emotion. I read the manuscript myself a few days ago and was impressed with how I crafted my tale but as for impact, there was none.

With this story, I can build on it without making my message saccharine but truthful and honest. My goal is to put myself entirely on the page, which I was unable to do with my piece for MFA applications.

I have officially decided to put aside applying for an MFA degree this year; I’m having too much fun writing both creative non-fiction and fiction to worry about application deadlines. The good news is I can attend university open houses and start saving for school when I apply for 2012. Seems so far away but time will fly.

I’m focusing all my energy on my craft and also running, but that’s another entry (when I finish Marukami’s book) so I will be busy this fall.

How’s everyone about to apply this round doing? Psyched? Scared? Who’s taken the GRE? I’m so glad I never have to take that test again!

The MFA

Read a bunch of forum replies on the Poets and Writer’s Speakeasy Forum about MFA programs and the responses have rejuvenated my interest in applying.

I don’t know; there’s something magical, fun, and enchanting about sitting in a room with your peers who love writing and reading as much as you do. It’s like when you connect with someone who is as passionate about the genre of films you’re interested in. I don’t know how it’ll be second time around but I am excited to be applying again. This time, no anxiety – just anticipation for the best.

Words

On Tuesday night, I attended my writing workshop at the Frederick Douglass Arts Center (FDCAC), which I learned has been open for forty years. Holy cow – forty years? Really? It really is the city’s best kept secret but I digress.

We had two new additions to our group (originally five including the instructor) bringing our class to seven people. An intimate class with people really interested in the craft of writing.

Our discussion revolved around the two stories we read for class as homework: “Water Child” by Edwidge Danticat and an excerpt from Love Medicine by Louise Erdrich. I particularly enjoyed the discussion because it went beyond what worked and didn’t (like in a workshop) but rather focused on the devices, phrases, and words these writers used to illustrate the mood, emotion, significance, and tone in each piece. These are the kinds of things not ever discussed in writing workshops – the ones I’ve attended focused on peer work and there is an assumption that the people recognize what makes fiction work.

As I listened and contributed to the discussion, my stomach was fuzzy inside with pride; these would be the kind of discussions I’ll be having in my MFA program! I am overjoyed with the anticipation of being accepted into a program. Even if I don’t, I would be more than happy to take cycle after cycle after cycle of any class at the FDCAC. The energy in the room was supportive, creative, and most importantly, positive with absolutely no trace of ego.

You know how you learn something new everyday? Today, I learned (and will write somewhere in capped letters for me to remember) that “Every word has weight” in a piece of fiction. I’ve been approaching my writing the wrong way all along. I’ve been too caught up in story, trying to be clever, and the end result while ignoring the reason I want to write; I want to connect my experience with the world. And I have to be honest and truthful with how I convey my message in a way that’s meaningful without trying too hard (because it shows).

What a wonderful session that was. My writing class is definitely the highlight of my week. Looking forward to next week!

Please tell people about FDCAC! So worth it!

Open House at FDAC

Saturday evening, I attended the open house at the Frederick Douglass Arts Center on west 96th street (around the corner from Symphony Space).

Because of the World Cup, the crowd was very small and intimate.

When I walked into the communal space of Frederick Douglass Arts Center, I was welcomed by Laura Pegram’s warm smile, who is a workshop instructor for Short Story . I signed up for the two week Short Story Fiction workshop and had a lovely conversation about my writing background and everything else in between. When I mentioned my memoir writing, she introduced me to Michel Mariott, the writing instructor for both Memoir/Non-Fiction and Science Fiction, and I had another great conversation about the genre. His demeanor, passion, and support for writing motivated me to also enroll in Memoir writing but alas, my financial woes stopped me and I decided against it.

Soon after, their guest speaker, Zandile Blay, was on hand to discuss her rise to success, blogging, branding, fashion, being a writer, and provided tips for writers starting in the business. The majority of her dialogue was the same record I’ve been hearing at panels and people in the industry, as well as reading on writing websites and magazines. A writer has to “play the game” no different than an actor; this industry is saturated with bloggers, publishers, and journalists who all want to be known. In order to stand out, one must know his/her voice, stick with it, and be consistent. If a writer is passionate and wants “it all,” the writer will succeed. Zandile and I are the same age and she has accomplished so much from the age of 14 to now. I can say I look up to her and hope to be as entrepreneurial as she is. I’m only at the beginning stages but I know what I have to do; I just have to do it!

Overall, a wonderful afternoon spent with people in my writing community. I want everyone to know about this center and I’m sending them good vibes so they become as popular as Gotham (or more!).

Frederick Douglass Creative Arts Center

Marcela Landres suggested I check out the writing workshops at the Frederick Douglass  Creative Arts Center in Upper Manhattan (96th street). After she told me to “write better” without reading my writing, I collected myself, swallowed the criticism and made the decision to take a workshop. My ego did take a blow but my MFA submission wasn’t amazing; I can’t front.

This Saturday, there will be an open house from 3-7 pm in which prospective students can meet their future workshop instructors and also sign up for the classes there. The writing classes run for 8 weeks and the cost is a mere $200 (cheaper than both Sackett Street and Gotham). Acting, screenwriting, and playwriting classes are also available, all for the same price. Pretty sweet, huh?

I will be attending this open house on Saturday and I look forward to putting myself in a new environment. Additionally, there will be a guest speaker (not revealed on the website) so hopefully, the person will be a pleasant surprise.

As always, I will provide a play by play of the day’s events.

Have a wonderful day, everyone!

Writing Group

Wednesday evening I had my first ever writing group outside of class. I felt like a real writer; I’m meeting with like-minded folks and talking about writing – and we’re not in class!

My heart is filled with joy with the opportunity to submit works to my classmates or friends (I guess, yeah, they can be friends at this point) who actually write and take writing seriously.

I have a friend that isn’t a writer but would be interested in reading my work. I remembered the last time I showed a friend work for feedback…and that didn’t work out too well. However, in this case, she wants to be familiar with the writer in me. I’m not completely resistant to it but what am I getting out of this? She’s not reading my work to critique and provide feedback; she wants to know me in a different way. Am I being selfish or stubborn for not jumping at the chance to share myself that way with her? Maybe the other friend has burned the bridge of ever letting another close friend read my work, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll send her some random piece I haven’t worked on. I’ll see.

As for my group, I’m disappointed I won’t be present for our next meeting in May but I’m excited to be a part of a writing group. This will motivate to work on a piece for my application submissions!

Two remaining schools

Last night, I received a rejection email from San Francisco State University.  I would have received this email before but this freak (me) actually misspelled my last name on the damn online application.  I kept receiving emails insisting my application was incomplete, which was untrue.  I got on the horn last week to remedy the situation and things were fixed.  In a week, I was rejected.  Now I’m waiting on the remaining two so I can get on with my life.

I researched further into the Writer’s Institute and actually had a conversation with the director of the program.  This certificate is not for folks still trying to learn the craft; this program is specifically geared to those who may or may not have degrees, are skilled, may or may not have been published but need the guidance from editors and how to get their work out there.  I’m not there yet.  Not even close!  But at least I know that’s an option.  Additionally, they don’t have financial aid for the one year certificate program.  Their tuition may not seem like much for one year but for someone without that steady income, that’s a big chunk of change to shell out that I cannot afford.  I won’t be applying but at least I’m thinking about options.  I see myself possibly being a workshop instructor or working in publishing – basically anything with words.  The difference here is that publishing is about the business of selling words while being an instructor helps the writer improve creatively.  I have to decide which tract to take.  The signs will show me and then I will follow them.

Surprisingly, I have an inkling that USF might accept me but its a hunch that I don’t think exists – could be complete wishful thinking.

Meanwhile, I’ll be writing, reading, and waiting…